by Lael Ewy
1.0. Being in
trouble—and the feeling of being in trouble, with its flush of the
cheeks and stomach's continual fall—presupposes the existence of an
authority, real or imagined, to be in trouble with.
1.1. An authority
has his hooks in you, even before you know you're snared.
2.0. Grown-ups are
just as prone to feeling like they're in trouble as kids are, which
2.1. tells us that
being in trouble is not a necessary part of being a child, but rather
it's the first step of becoming an adult:
2.2. the realization
that one's power is limited, her place in the hierarchy not as lofty
as she thought.
2.3. This leads to a
few different reactions. Among them are acceptance and rejection.
2.4. Rejection of
one's place in the hierarchy can be further subdivided: rebellion
against the hierarchy and a grinding need to continually further
one's place within it.
2.4.1. These
reactions are not mutually exclusive within any given individual, but
one generally outweighs the other.
2.5. From the first
subdivision we gather rejects and weirdos, artists and originals.
From the latter we gather stockbrokers and social climbers,
politicians and revolutionaries.
3.0. These latter
types, unable to make sense of their existential positions through
personal or creative expression, are all trying to defeat the same
thing: the constant, sinking feeling that they are in trouble.
3.1. This feeling is
similar to the feeling of responsibility, but it floats free,
exhilarating, yet unattached to compassion or love, and one runs
across it unbidden, at moments as arbitrary and pernicious as the
projection of power:
3.2. the agent's
probing stare, the buzz of an alarm clock, white letters on a field
of red.
3.3. If a politician
paints himself as an outlaw, with war paint and feathers, he is a
liar, as much as a revolutionary who claims to be bringing The New
Law;
3.4. they are both
headed for the comfort of the same old throne, the place from which
they can be the trouble they always see in the world.
4.0. Power, then, is
the fundamental problem of being in trouble, the internalization of
shame, the call to forever destroy one's own dignity before it is
publicly quartered.
